Ok, so I decided that I needed to blog again.
I don't know how to describe what I have been going through. All the medical problems and stuff and how they affect me. Suddenly, today, I realized a lot of things as if I am coming out of a fog... My sex drive is back, migraines have decreased (although as of last night I may have discovered another trigger), my mood is elevating, I dreamed A LOT and they were complex (which there had been a major decrease of which I hadn't noticed until they began to return to normal), and I am tired less. I also have less of an appetite. I don't want to constantly stuff my face without reason. In fact, I have had 3 pieces of toast all morning and I am actually ok with that. My body doesn't feel run down or in need of energy. I am getting close to needing to eat, but I could go an hour or so more. See? I am even listening and understanding my body signals.
I can't handle Minnesota falls and winters. They have too negative of an impact on me. I get migraines with low humidity, colder temps, weather shifts, poor air quality (we are shut in our houses with stale, dust air this whole time), my dust allergies seem to trigger them, if I am dehydrated, lacking in activity, and so on. The majority of my triggers are things that go hand and hand with Minnesota's extreme cold seasons.
I want us to buy a small house in the Richmond area. With a decent yard. It would be so much better for me there. Better air quality, higher average humidity, warmer temps, 7" average annual snowfall, the ocean... I could still have my fruit trees but also some of the beautiful flowers that only grow a few USDA zones South of us. I want it so bad. I NEED it. I don't know if I can survive another season of this. We need to save up the money and move. I want to check it out first. Spend a week there in the winter to see how it plays out on my health, when I normally feel at my worst. Take a couple weeks vacation at other seasons too. See what spring, summer, and fall are like also. Monitor the prices of air fare so we know how much it will cost to come and see our families in MN hopefully at least once a year. I have to watch the job trends out there too. I NEED to believe though that we will be able to get the money together and things squared away to have a little house out there though. I NEED to believe that I will feel better and that it will be a better place for us going out there.
Well, enough of my therapy here. I am starting to feel a little headachey so I need to lay down before work. Lata to all the fictional people that I imagine are reading this right now!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
I can't remember...
...the last time I blogged, let alone one that had nothing to do with plants.
Today I started looking up old friends and lovers and finally msging those who had tried to contact me. I did a lot of wrong and screwed up things in my life and I hurt as many people as I helped, if not more than. I need to deal with my past, I need to work my way backwards for my own sanity. Too many things way me down. It hurts and drains Sam too. He takes such good care of me, but so long as my demons exist, I will be a constant emotional vampire. I can't do that to him. For us to move forward I need to look back.
Sometimes the medications aren't enough to keep you balanced, sometimes you need more. Sometimes I wonder if some of my health issues aren't caused by the dark and deep wounds that I keep buried deep inside. I'll never know unless I pursue them and try to repair them though, will I? The list of people I need to track down...
I finally, FINALLY, msged my old friend Justin back. Sammy knows I have been battling that for a long time. I finally told him how hard it was to even send him a note on the net and how I was a different person and I was happy being that person. I told him how happy I was with Sam and how much better my life is now that I am clean from the drugs. I told him I can't be his friend anymore unless I know he is clean. It is one thing if he has a few beers or smokes a joint now and again, but if he is back in the needles... I can't be there. I have lost too many ppl I cared about and I almost lost myself in all of that.
Now that I think about it, the majority of the ppl I want to contact are those that I was involved with one way or another when I was on drugs. Most were innocent bystanders, they didn't even indulge themselves, they just were unlucky enough to care for me. I told some that I was sorry and not looking for forgiveness necessarily, but now I realize I am. How am I going to fully put these things to rest if I am unable to get that from them? I need to be whole and in the now for those ppl in my life that I love. Sammy mainly. He is kind and patient, but I have to be testing his will.
I want to move. I am so unhappy here in this place. I hate the cold, the same old scene, the same ppl... I don't want to go someplace with absolutely NO snow, but less would be nice, and maybe the ocean... I have been trying to sell Sammy on the idea of going to Richmond, VA.
I am so confused, maybe I don't need closure on my old life? Maybe I need to leave it behind??? Is that so bad, is that okay to do? If you can't undo the things you have done, is it best to forget them?
I am sick of tumors and deaths and illness. My life has been so full of that. When will I get better? Is this Karma? Have I made my own Prison of Horrors and now I must suffer through it in order to repent? What condition will I be in next year or a decade from now?
Once you have hit the bottom, rose to great heights and then came tumbling down to shatter into a billion little pieces, how can you find the strength of will to rebuild yourself yet again? To what end...to what destination does this get us? I have been a thousand different ppl and lived so much life already.
I am confusing myself even more now and losing focus. I think that maybe I just need the therapy of leaving a mark and displaying my insides for all to see.
Sam is the only thing that makes me feel grounded, that keeps the panic at bay and shields me from my demons. I love my friends and family, but they don't see me like he does, day in and day out. I take him for granted, but how can you thank someone when your barely holding your pieces together?
Today I started looking up old friends and lovers and finally msging those who had tried to contact me. I did a lot of wrong and screwed up things in my life and I hurt as many people as I helped, if not more than. I need to deal with my past, I need to work my way backwards for my own sanity. Too many things way me down. It hurts and drains Sam too. He takes such good care of me, but so long as my demons exist, I will be a constant emotional vampire. I can't do that to him. For us to move forward I need to look back.
Sometimes the medications aren't enough to keep you balanced, sometimes you need more. Sometimes I wonder if some of my health issues aren't caused by the dark and deep wounds that I keep buried deep inside. I'll never know unless I pursue them and try to repair them though, will I? The list of people I need to track down...
I finally, FINALLY, msged my old friend Justin back. Sammy knows I have been battling that for a long time. I finally told him how hard it was to even send him a note on the net and how I was a different person and I was happy being that person. I told him how happy I was with Sam and how much better my life is now that I am clean from the drugs. I told him I can't be his friend anymore unless I know he is clean. It is one thing if he has a few beers or smokes a joint now and again, but if he is back in the needles... I can't be there. I have lost too many ppl I cared about and I almost lost myself in all of that.
Now that I think about it, the majority of the ppl I want to contact are those that I was involved with one way or another when I was on drugs. Most were innocent bystanders, they didn't even indulge themselves, they just were unlucky enough to care for me. I told some that I was sorry and not looking for forgiveness necessarily, but now I realize I am. How am I going to fully put these things to rest if I am unable to get that from them? I need to be whole and in the now for those ppl in my life that I love. Sammy mainly. He is kind and patient, but I have to be testing his will.
I want to move. I am so unhappy here in this place. I hate the cold, the same old scene, the same ppl... I don't want to go someplace with absolutely NO snow, but less would be nice, and maybe the ocean... I have been trying to sell Sammy on the idea of going to Richmond, VA.
I am so confused, maybe I don't need closure on my old life? Maybe I need to leave it behind??? Is that so bad, is that okay to do? If you can't undo the things you have done, is it best to forget them?
I am sick of tumors and deaths and illness. My life has been so full of that. When will I get better? Is this Karma? Have I made my own Prison of Horrors and now I must suffer through it in order to repent? What condition will I be in next year or a decade from now?
Once you have hit the bottom, rose to great heights and then came tumbling down to shatter into a billion little pieces, how can you find the strength of will to rebuild yourself yet again? To what end...to what destination does this get us? I have been a thousand different ppl and lived so much life already.
I am confusing myself even more now and losing focus. I think that maybe I just need the therapy of leaving a mark and displaying my insides for all to see.
Sam is the only thing that makes me feel grounded, that keeps the panic at bay and shields me from my demons. I love my friends and family, but they don't see me like he does, day in and day out. I take him for granted, but how can you thank someone when your barely holding your pieces together?
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