I can't remember...

...the last time I blogged, let alone one that had nothing to do with plants.

Today I started looking up old friends and lovers and finally msging those who had tried to contact me. I did a lot of wrong and screwed up things in my life and I hurt as many people as I helped, if not more than. I need to deal with my past, I need to work my way backwards for my own sanity. Too many things way me down. It hurts and drains Sam too. He takes such good care of me, but so long as my demons exist, I will be a constant emotional vampire. I can't do that to him. For us to move forward I need to look back.

Sometimes the medications aren't enough to keep you balanced, sometimes you need more. Sometimes I wonder if some of my health issues aren't caused by the dark and deep wounds that I keep buried deep inside. I'll never know unless I pursue them and try to repair them though, will I? The list of people I need to track down...

I finally, FINALLY, msged my old friend Justin back. Sammy knows I have been battling that for a long time. I finally told him how hard it was to even send him a note on the net and how I was a different person and I was happy being that person. I told him how happy I was with Sam and how much better my life is now that I am clean from the drugs. I told him I can't be his friend anymore unless I know he is clean. It is one thing if he has a few beers or smokes a joint now and again, but if he is back in the needles... I can't be there. I have lost too many ppl I cared about and I almost lost myself in all of that.

Now that I think about it, the majority of the ppl I want to contact are those that I was involved with one way or another when I was on drugs. Most were innocent bystanders, they didn't even indulge themselves, they just were unlucky enough to care for me. I told some that I was sorry and not looking for forgiveness necessarily, but now I realize I am. How am I going to fully put these things to rest if I am unable to get that from them? I need to be whole and in the now for those ppl in my life that I love. Sammy mainly. He is kind and patient, but I have to be testing his will.

I want to move. I am so unhappy here in this place. I hate the cold, the same old scene, the same ppl... I don't want to go someplace with absolutely NO snow, but less would be nice, and maybe the ocean... I have been trying to sell Sammy on the idea of going to Richmond, VA.

I am so confused, maybe I don't need closure on my old life? Maybe I need to leave it behind??? Is that so bad, is that okay to do? If you can't undo the things you have done, is it best to forget them?

I am sick of tumors and deaths and illness. My life has been so full of that. When will I get better? Is this Karma? Have I made my own Prison of Horrors and now I must suffer through it in order to repent? What condition will I be in next year or a decade from now?

Once you have hit the bottom, rose to great heights and then came tumbling down to shatter into a billion little pieces, how can you find the strength of will to rebuild yourself yet again? To what end...to what destination does this get us? I have been a thousand different ppl and lived so much life already.

I am confusing myself even more now and losing focus. I think that maybe I just need the therapy of leaving a mark and displaying my insides for all to see.

Sam is the only thing that makes me feel grounded, that keeps the panic at bay and shields me from my demons. I love my friends and family, but they don't see me like he does, day in and day out. I take him for granted, but how can you thank someone when your barely holding your pieces together?