Tuesday, 01-08-08, 1251

Ok, so I decided that I needed to blog again.

I don't know how to describe what I have been going through. All the medical problems and stuff and how they affect me. Suddenly, today, I realized a lot of things as if I am coming out of a fog... My sex drive is back, migraines have decreased (although as of last night I may have discovered another trigger), my mood is elevating, I dreamed A LOT and they were complex (which there had been a major decrease of which I hadn't noticed until they began to return to normal), and I am tired less. I also have less of an appetite. I don't want to constantly stuff my face without reason. In fact, I have had 3 pieces of toast all morning and I am actually ok with that. My body doesn't feel run down or in need of energy. I am getting close to needing to eat, but I could go an hour or so more. See? I am even listening and understanding my body signals.

I can't handle Minnesota falls and winters. They have too negative of an impact on me. I get migraines with low humidity, colder temps, weather shifts, poor air quality (we are shut in our houses with stale, dust air this whole time), my dust allergies seem to trigger them, if I am dehydrated, lacking in activity, and so on. The majority of my triggers are things that go hand and hand with Minnesota's extreme cold seasons.

I want us to buy a small house in the Richmond area. With a decent yard. It would be so much better for me there. Better air quality, higher average humidity, warmer temps, 7" average annual snowfall, the ocean... I could still have my fruit trees but also some of the beautiful flowers that only grow a few USDA zones South of us. I want it so bad. I NEED it. I don't know if I can survive another season of this. We need to save up the money and move. I want to check it out first. Spend a week there in the winter to see how it plays out on my health, when I normally feel at my worst. Take a couple weeks vacation at other seasons too. See what spring, summer, and fall are like also. Monitor the prices of air fare so we know how much it will cost to come and see our families in MN hopefully at least once a year. I have to watch the job trends out there too. I NEED to believe though that we will be able to get the money together and things squared away to have a little house out there though. I NEED to believe that I will feel better and that it will be a better place for us going out there.

Well, enough of my therapy here. I am starting to feel a little headachey so I need to lay down before work. Lata to all the fictional people that I imagine are reading this right now!

I can't remember...

...the last time I blogged, let alone one that had nothing to do with plants.

Today I started looking up old friends and lovers and finally msging those who had tried to contact me. I did a lot of wrong and screwed up things in my life and I hurt as many people as I helped, if not more than. I need to deal with my past, I need to work my way backwards for my own sanity. Too many things way me down. It hurts and drains Sam too. He takes such good care of me, but so long as my demons exist, I will be a constant emotional vampire. I can't do that to him. For us to move forward I need to look back.

Sometimes the medications aren't enough to keep you balanced, sometimes you need more. Sometimes I wonder if some of my health issues aren't caused by the dark and deep wounds that I keep buried deep inside. I'll never know unless I pursue them and try to repair them though, will I? The list of people I need to track down...

I finally, FINALLY, msged my old friend Justin back. Sammy knows I have been battling that for a long time. I finally told him how hard it was to even send him a note on the net and how I was a different person and I was happy being that person. I told him how happy I was with Sam and how much better my life is now that I am clean from the drugs. I told him I can't be his friend anymore unless I know he is clean. It is one thing if he has a few beers or smokes a joint now and again, but if he is back in the needles... I can't be there. I have lost too many ppl I cared about and I almost lost myself in all of that.

Now that I think about it, the majority of the ppl I want to contact are those that I was involved with one way or another when I was on drugs. Most were innocent bystanders, they didn't even indulge themselves, they just were unlucky enough to care for me. I told some that I was sorry and not looking for forgiveness necessarily, but now I realize I am. How am I going to fully put these things to rest if I am unable to get that from them? I need to be whole and in the now for those ppl in my life that I love. Sammy mainly. He is kind and patient, but I have to be testing his will.

I want to move. I am so unhappy here in this place. I hate the cold, the same old scene, the same ppl... I don't want to go someplace with absolutely NO snow, but less would be nice, and maybe the ocean... I have been trying to sell Sammy on the idea of going to Richmond, VA.

I am so confused, maybe I don't need closure on my old life? Maybe I need to leave it behind??? Is that so bad, is that okay to do? If you can't undo the things you have done, is it best to forget them?

I am sick of tumors and deaths and illness. My life has been so full of that. When will I get better? Is this Karma? Have I made my own Prison of Horrors and now I must suffer through it in order to repent? What condition will I be in next year or a decade from now?

Once you have hit the bottom, rose to great heights and then came tumbling down to shatter into a billion little pieces, how can you find the strength of will to rebuild yourself yet again? To what end...to what destination does this get us? I have been a thousand different ppl and lived so much life already.

I am confusing myself even more now and losing focus. I think that maybe I just need the therapy of leaving a mark and displaying my insides for all to see.

Sam is the only thing that makes me feel grounded, that keeps the panic at bay and shields me from my demons. I love my friends and family, but they don't see me like he does, day in and day out. I take him for granted, but how can you thank someone when your barely holding your pieces together?

Garden Journal 08-18-07 Sag Seeds

Ok, quick note. I decided to put the Sag seeds in the fridge. More lata', school keeps me busy. Bye!

Garden Journal 09-16-07 First Experiment Vid...

Ok, here it is, the very first vlog about one of my experiments at school...

Garden Journal 09-04-07 Blog Overhaul

garden Journal 08-29-07 (next morning) GMO Video 2

Garden Journal 08-29-07 GMO Video

Some fav music vids

Garden Journal 08-28-07 Japhiel's Design Video

Sick today...

I went home early today because I feel so sick... Actually, my coworkers and boss sent me home 'cause, as one of them said, I looked like hell. I am so dizzy and sick feeling... I can only be up and doing stuff for a limited time before I feel like I am gonna puke or pass out. I am beginning to feel that way. G2G...

Garden Journal 08-21-07 - Jatropha sprouts

Ok, so I am behind a little bit, so here is the Jatropha pix from the 18th:




This is the pic for the Albino Daylily which we are soon to see if it can sustain life without being able to photosynthesize:



These are the pix from today:





Finally, here are some pix of the outside plants:

Garden Journal 08-15-07 Sag Seeds

Ok, so I know that it is a couple days early, but I took the Sag. seeds in the AV pot out of the fridge and watered them and filled the reserve. I figured that I will let it sit out for a week or so and then I will stick it in the CP terrarium. I'll leave it in there for 4-6 weeks and then take it out for about a week, then dump out the reserve and stick it back in the fridge for another month. Also, I stuck the rest of the seeds in the fridge. I am gonna try and cool them down, warm 'em up, and then cool 'em down again. If I can get these to start growing, then I will have to invest in my indoor water garden and fountain. I think I have sold Sammy on the idea too. Fingers crossed. I'm really happy to say that my white daylily is still doing well. I don't know how common it is to get one to grow, but if this thing makes it to maturity and blooms AND can be propagated...well, I will be a very happy camper. I highly doubt that I will be able to get it to propagate via seed. I think that I will raise it indoors and make sure that it self-pollinates (if it gets that far) so that way I may stand a better chance of getting more. Even if it doesn't have impressive flowers it still would make a wicked cool plant for its interesting foliage. I don't think I have a pic of it yet online, but I will try and get one soon.

Dust in the Wind...

I love these songs. Dust in the Wind breaks my heart....

Trainspotting...

Awesome movie, thanks for making me watch it! LOL... No, I have been wanting to see it for a long time. There are some really messed up things in the movie, but it is really good. I am happy you borrowed it to me. Thanks! I am gonna miss you today and tomorrow!

Garden Journal 08-13-07, Cataloging & Vivarium

I have now started (attempting to...LOL...) cataloging my plants. Hopefully I will find a way to set up an online index or something. But that is a project for a later date. I am just doing some of the work now, bit by bit as I go. The big thing is the progress that we made on the viva. I am think that there is an easy way to fix the water collecting in the bottom, increase the temp, and to increase the humidity. If I buy one of those lizard heating pads, one that gets things up to about 85 degrees F or so, that should do it. Anyway, here are the pix:

Ok...this disturbed me.

In doing some research on Spanish moss I came across an info sheet and at the end was the following. It all seemed to make sense to me until the very last line, then I became worried... How many people have to have done that in order for there to be a warning like that?!? I also have to wonder, should people who do that really be allowed to own a microwave?!? Disturbing...

WARNING
Don't use Spanish moss for bedding or packing without first treating it to kill tiny pests (especially red bugs or chiggers) that may be lurking within. Microwaving works well, as does heating or boiling in water. (Remove bats, lizards and snakes before microwaving.)

Here is the site if you are curious:
http://www.floridata.com/ref/t/till_usn.cfm

Garden Journal 08-10-07

Just a super quick update on my Jatropha sprouts which I think I will have too many so I may call the Arboretum and the Conservatory and see if they want any. Anyway, here are today's pix of them:

Garden Journal 08-09-07, again...

Alright, now I decided to do a couple of updates quick...

These are next semester's books, they came yesterday and I just opened them today. I will now be dropping all the other stuff I was reading and focus instead on these:



This is gonna be good...LOL...

Of course, I need to show the progress of the Jatropha sprouts:


Now my baby Lemon Eucalyptus:


Here are the pix of my recent orders from eBay dealer cowboyflowerman. I highly suggest that you checkout the store, SECRET GARDEN RARE PLANTS, it is really awesome. They have some good deals and some really cool stuff for sale. As you can see I have purchased four plants from them. I could throw the pix they post too I guess for comparison.

RHIPSALIS RIVERO'S RED SPECIES:



HOYA CUMMINGIANA:



Variegated Purple Passion Plant, Gynura aurantiaca 'Variegata':



SCILLA VIOLACEA, THE QUILL PLANT:



Well, I got stuff to do to start my day, so bye!

Garden Journal 08-09-07

Ok, again, I have gotten behind on posting a couple things that I wanted to so here we go. Just 8 hrs after the pix I took of the Jatropha on 08-06-07, they looked like this:



Then the next day on 08-07-07:


I can't get over how quickly the grow. It really is amazing. As a testament to their awesome power, there is "Spontaneous Tomato." I am not sure if a branch had broke off into the compost, or if I threw a dead plant or a broken branch in there or what, but this is the result:





Sorry the first two are blurry, but my digi doesn't do well with super-closeups and I really wanted to show this to everyone. I at first thought that it was part of the one right next to it, but it is its own independent, FRUIT-BEARING plant! Crazy, huh? Just wanted to share this, now I gotta find my breakfast!

Yadda, yadda, yadda...

Here I am again, up too late. But I love to do all my li'l internet hobbies. I am behind on reading Sam and Amy's blogs, will have to do that, but I have a list of crap to accomplish tomorrow. Anyway, had a visitor late tonight...the bat got in AGAIN! I kept thinking I was going crazy 'cause this little black shadow kept shooting by...not so crazy was I! I had to herd the little bugger out without waking anyone...it was NOT as easy as I would have thought! I need sleep, so have a good night!

Lata' ya'll!