1 year and 4 days ago...

1 year and 4 days ago, the phone call came. 3 days later came the diagnosis. The world went black. Now, a year later, it is all black again. Nothing, a nothing that feels cold and bitter to the touch. Painfully numb. I’m ok now, so why does it hurt so much still? 8 days later was the surgery. I wanted to die, and when I remember the fragments of pain afterward… Those fragments that linger on the edge of my consciousness, well, I want to die all over again just to forget. No sight, head bandaged, soft fingers, quiet words, fast footsteps… Darkness, it was all so dark again…but this time it wasn’t a subtle pain, no, it made itself known in a way that I never thought it could. 10, maybe 11 days later, I’m not so sure anymore, the fever made it so sketchy; I ended up in the ER. There was a leak. Unknown fluids fell from the back of my head. Cold, numb, Dark, the Dark was back. It was as if it was feeding on me, sucking me dry. The found nothing, sent me home. 1 day. ER. Pain, unimaginable, pain, indescribable, pain, now I truly understand what it is like to want it all to end. Pain so thick and suffocating it may very well take the last breath from your body. Infection. Staph.




Now my world stops.

I’m floating, away…

Alone…

No more dark…only…Light…




Then. Then it was gone. There was Dark again, in all of its unholy glory. Ripping, tearing, feeding. Moments when my eyes would open I would see my parents. Opposite sides of my bed, each holding a hand. It was the only time the Dark would leave, the only time that fighting the pain and the end felt like it was worth it. Time passes; a night moves by like an eternity, morning brings a second procedure, one that will fix this, that will allow me to heal. I feel better, but not good, living, but not alive, tangible, but hollow. I am a shell now. That’s it. Weeks go by and I am filled with antibiotics and needles. Blood leaves me, sweat leaves me, tears leave, hollow again. Wounds heal shut, but some seem to last forever. But I tell myself to be brave, to signup for college courses, to keep going for the Others. Get a career, make lots of money, take care of your family. Family. You love them so and you want to do all you can. You want to see the grandparents proud. Then one of them gets sick, one of them is gone, one of them is buried, you feel the Dark again, not even your lover can see it. He’s there, helping, comforting, his Angel Eyes keep you bound. You make it through, but you aren’t happy with yourself, you don’t want to make money anymore, you don’t want to be a politician, you want to be happy. I should have changed, I should be better, but instead, a year later, 1 year and 4 days later… Dark…